>Nicknames For All! (except for Drew Butera)

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By The Common Man
The Common Man is working on something else right now, but frankly this was too much fun to ignore for any longer. On Twitter today, TCM proposed a couple new nicknames for his favorite Twins today. Batgirl used to be terrific at this, but since she’s no longer active and there are a lot of new faces, TCM thought it was time for some new ones.  In the spirit of that, here are TCM’s nicknames for most of the Opening Day roster:

 Joe Mauer = Captain America


He’s the All-American boy and he plays like a superhero. Also, he has a mitt and padding to shield him, and he wears a mask. 

 

First Base: Justin Morneau = The Mountie

He’s big and burly and from Canada. And he needs a rugged nickname to counteract the perception that he’s somehow a wuss for having a concussion. Finally, you know you’d buy a comic book that had Captain America and The Mountie facing off against The Evil Empire.

Second Base: Tsuyoshi Nishioka = Yoshi

After the adorable dinosaur that tried to ruin Super Mario games.  TCM predicts better things for this Japanese import.

Third base: Danny Valencia = The Hebrew Hurricane

Valencia is Jewish and went to the University of Miami. Sometimes these write themselves.

Shortstop: Alexi Casilla = The Question Mark

Who is he? A shortstop who was mismatched at second base? A good hitter who had terrible years? A bad hitter who got lucky? Something tells TCM that we’ll find out in 2011.

Leftfield: Delmon Young = Skates

Because he plays leftfield like he’s on roller skates, or ice skates, whichever you prefer. Young’s defense is terrible. This used to belong to Lonnie Smith, but he’s long retired. We could update it to Blades instead.

Centerfield: Denard Span = The Nard Dog

The first one to suggests “Denarded” gets kicked in the solar plexus. Hard.

Rightfield: Michael Cuddyer = The Champion of Chesapeake

Remember geographically based nicknames? The Duke of Tralee? The Reading Rifle? Yeah, that’s all TCM’s got here. He’ll accept other suggestions, however.

Outfield-DH: Jason Kubel = Jerry

As in, Kubel should always work with a partner to dull his obnoxious inability to hit lefthanders. Alas, like Jerry Lewis, he often works alone and spoils his talents.

Designated Hitter: Jim Thome = The Masher

Because JIMBO BE MASHIN SOME TATERS.

Starting pitchers:

Francisco Liriano = FranKKKKie or The Cisco Kid
Either is acceptable. Cisco is more about his youth and being a gunslinger. FranKKKKie denotes the strikeouts he rings up. TCM is happy either way.

Carl Pavano = The ‘Stache

God-willing, it will make a comeback.

Scott Baker = The Kid

Because even with that fake goatee last year, Scott Baker looks like he’s 12 on the mound.

Kevin Slowey = Bullseye

Slowey doesn’t walk anybody and, frankly, TCM’s always thought that Hawkeye was an uninspiring Avenger.

Nick Blackburn = Mugsy

Because somebody’s gotta have a cool, 1940s-esque nickname.

Brian Duensing = The Dunce

Hey, TCM likes Brian Duensing and thinks he should be in the rotation in 2011. But if he didn’t want an insulting nickname, he should have changed his last name.

Bullpen:

Closer: Joe Nathan = The Executioner

Is this taken already? Boy, TCM hopes not.

Setup: Matt Capps = State Farm

He’s the expensive insurance policy in case Joe Nathan isn’t healthy to start the year.

Setup: Jose Mijares = Lumpy

Again, not all nicknames are nice, even though TCM like Mijares a lot. And Mijares kind of has a slovenly look about him on the mound.

Setup: Pat Neshek = The Freak

Neshek can keep his nickname. Also, he’s awesome.

Bench:

Backup IF: Matt Tolbert = Bump

He can’t hit, and doesn’t really field that well. Best if he just sits there like a bump on the bench and doesn’t move for nine innings.

Backup OF: Jason Repko = The Human High-Five

With Thome and Morneau back, Repko’s not going to get as much playing time this year, so he needs to work on his high-fiving skills on the bench and live up to this name.

Backup C: Drew Butera = Drew Butera

Frankly, The Common Man can’t be bothered to come up with a nickname for Drew Butera. He’s just worthless. If he just stopped coming to the ballpark, the only person who would notice is Carl Pavano.

(Update: Check the comments, as reader Taye’s got a great suggestion for Drew Butera. TCM’s pleased he didn’t have to expend energy on that one.)
Catcher:

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