And Now…A Public Service Announcement

Dear Friend and/or Loved One of a Baseball Fan, 

As you may be aware, the Major League Baseball season is about to culminate in the World Series, baseball’s biggest event. While it is a joyous time, with the top two teams squaring off against each other, it also marks the end of baseball for the winter. In life, there is death, et cetera et cetera. While many fans have no problem transitioning back to civilian life once that final out is recorded, it is difficult for some to say goodbye. To make life as easy as possible for both you and the baseball fan in your life, I thought you should know some important information. 

While your baseball fan is excited to spend time with you once again, please know that it’s hard to break habits that have accumulated over the last six months. You may notice them checking phantom scores on their phone while the two of you are out to dinner or you may hear them shout during a funeral service,”The stupid MLB.tv app isn’t showing any games!” This is all part of the healing process and it is with your patience that they will get through this trying time. Many have found that speaking in soothing, calming voices, much like one would use when talking to a baby bird or pet rabbit work best. While it may be trying, do your best to not get angry. This will only send the baseball fan into a shame spiral, setting their recovery back into an endless series of Mark Prior-esque rehabilitations. 

Much like an astronaut returning to earth after a year in orbit, it’s normal for the baseball fan in your life to be disoriented. Most will not be aware of the primetime television schedule or that Pitch Perfect has been tearing up the local cineplex as the must-see feel-good romp of the Fall. After all, instead of following the traditional seven day week, they track the motion of the Earth by five man pitching rotations. (Note: for those of you in Colorado, please contact us as your situation will be more difficult.) Some may experience night terrors and you will find them in the middle of the night, banging into the TV, trying vainly to find Vin Scully’s voice. Others will complain of phantom pains in their ulnar collateral ligament and beg to see Dr. Andrews. The best thing to do for these people is to listen to their concerns as if they were valid while making sure they are eating healthy, balanced meals, exercising regularly, and are kept busy with social commitments. At first, they may experience some generalized anxiety, but you can help by having a “scorebook” on hand where they keep a tally of the conversations had and activities engaged in. Be sure to ween them off this soon or you may find your drinks per evening compared to the average person (DPE+) and joke leverage index (JLI) are kept, cataloged, and analyzed on internet weblogs. 

Be sure to tailor the activities to each individual fan, as well. Each baseball fan is unique and no blanket treatment will help everyone. Is yours one that obsesses over PitchFX data and constantly fiddles with FanGraphs velocity leaderboards? Perhaps you should rent a sports car and go for a drive down the interstate. Do they constantly mumble about updating fantasy lineups and trying to exploit platoon splits? Maybe a strategic board game like Chess or Stratego will catch their fancy. Do they keep a baseball blog about things like stirrup socks and mustaches? Rip out the modem, burn the house down, and go full Walden on their ass. I’m sorry to say it, but these people have no hope. 

Six months in the internet baseball trenches is a long time, so please don’t expect these changes in behavior to take place overnight. However, with your love, care, and concern, these abandoned baseball fans can lead normal, healthy lives. At least until pitchers and catchers report. 

Please don’t hesitate to contact us with any concerns and may you and yours have a happy offseason,

The Worldwide Observational and Behavioral Association (wOBA)

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