With Bobby Valentine’s exit from Boston nearly assured, especially with Ben Cherington’s recent radio comments, Bobby V will surely be looking for work this offseason. With the job market in such a precarious position, Valentine has already put together a cover letter to send out to prospective employers. I have reprinted it below in hopes of increasing its reach.
To Whom It May Concern:
I am an outspoken, hardworking individual ready to hit the ground running and elevate your company to a higher level. It is a new era, one with thousands of new strategic paradigms, paradigms that I can bring to your company. I am a proven leader, innovator, and entrepreneur with a history of performance under pressure. Don’t believe me? Then I’ll punch you in the face. Ha ha. I’m kidding. :p
As a project manager, I have succeeded all over the globe, something that’s very important in this 24/7 world economy that we live in. I am an expert evaluator of talent and a great manager of personalities, so you may as well call me Mr. Manager! (Though I do respectfully ask that you do not contact my current employers. They’re real fartbags.)
In my current position as an employee of the Boston Red Sox, I must deal with a cruel and thoughtless media (excepting ESPN. Those guys are real good folks) while juggling one of the worst lineups in the history of the sport. I was not afraid to call out a subordinate when their performance did not match my expectations, something that fostered excellent moral and team camaraderie. Thanks to these abilities, I was able to lead this company in crisis to a better performance than six, count ‘em, six, competitors in our field. Without my expert leadership, guidance, and business acumen, just imagine how poorly the team would have fared.
In addition to my work with the Red Sox, I was also the manager for the New York Metropolitans, an athletic club located in Flushing, New York. The New York environment can bring a lot of problems, but I handled them with such grace and aplomb that there were almost very few controversies. Oh yeah, and did I mention that I am an expert at disguise? This could come in great help if you need me to probe potential investors and clients for sensitive information.
I have brought my knowledge and wisdom to so many teams, like the Texas Rangers (not with Chuck Norris, ha ha!) and the Chiba Lotte Mariners (located in Japan!) that I can’t even keep track anymore. Why do I move so often? It’s not because of personality issues, it’s because I always leave after I’ve imparted the Bobby V Method, kind of like the ghosts in A Muppet Christmas Carol.
I have also done great work with the city of Stamford, a cozy haven nuzzled softly in the Connecticut wilderness, as their Director of Public Safety. I’m sure you need no outline of how this is a value add to your company. If you were to hire me I would personally assure you that there would be no office injuries, something that costs companies millions every year. Just to give you an example, I would install baby proof plugs into every outlet. People don’t realize it, but it’s really, really easy to electrocute yourself that way. (I’ve done it multiple times.) I’ll stake my reputation on the fact that no Red Sox injuries in 2012 were due to in-clubhouse electrocutions.
Last, I have successfully owned and operated my very own restaurant for nigh on thirty years. Not only does this reflect my entrepreneurial spirit, but it reveals how good I am at counting. Did you know that to run a restaurant you need to know things like “how many buns are left?” and “where did all of the beer go?” It’s true. Just imagine all the counting I could do for your company if that is something that is required there. While working in the restaurant, I also revolutionized lunch time when I invented the wrap sandwich.
That’s right, I’m an inventor, just like Thomas Edison or Jared from Subway. I’ve got lots of ideas that your company could use, so many that I don’t mind giving you a few freebies as a taste. Like, for instance, savory frozen yogurt flavors. Why does frozen yogurt always have to be so sweet? I don’t know. Or computers that can also make phone calls. There are literally hundreds of ideas popping out of my head every day. Lettuce Faces! I don’t even know what that is, but I know it’s a great idea.
I have so much to offer you as an employee and I hope we can discuss my role at your company in the future. And again, please don’t contact my current employer. My resume is attached.
Bobby “The V” Valentine
PS. The Flying V from Mighty Ducks? Yeah, my idea.