Dade County? Miami? We tried to warn you. We tried to tell you that your fiancée was a supercreep. That he had hit on all your bridesmaids. That he was never going to stop drinking and forgetting your birthday. That he was never going to go back and finish school. That he was going to treat you like crap and make you feel bad about yourself.
But you didn’t listen. You thought you could change him with the power of your love. You thought getting married, starting a family, was going to help him mature. To finally fulfill the potential that you (and only you) see inside him.
And now you’re stuck with him for the long term. This Jeffrey Loria. These Miami Marlins. They are yours for better and for (mostly) worse, for richer and (mostly) poorer (the better to recoup revenue sharing funds from the league), in (constant) sickness and health. You put money down on a new house for the two of you to share. You invested $500 million to make him happy, even though he had nowhere else to go.
And hey, maybe the Marlins did give it a shot to change. They did bring in Mark Buehrle and Jose Reyes. They made a big show about getting Heath Bell, even though it looked like a bad idea (and it was). And they at least pretended to be interested in Albert Pujols and Prince Fielder for a little bit for your sake. But the Marlins are always going to be the Marlins. So the first chance they had, they pawned your TV. They put naked pictures of you on the Internet. They sat down in the middle of the living room and played Xbox all day. Just like we told you they would. Just like you knew in the back of your mind that they would.
It’s not that any of their various sins would have been terrible in the abstract, mind you. The Marlins are 11.5 games back in the NL East and 10.0 back of the second Wild Card (behind two other clubs). They’re six games under .500. So building for the future is, in a vacuum, completely understandable. Trading an impending free agent like Anibel Sanchez and an over-achiever like Omar Infante for good young prospects makes a lot of sense. Trading an underachieving, injury-prone head case who’s playing out of position like Hanley Ramirez for a package of young players makes a lot of sense. Hell, even dealing your ace, Josh Johnson, for a big package of prospects makes a good deal of sense. But taken together, after all that you did for them, and after they promised to change, the Marlins are once again breaking the trust that you placed in them.
They are admitting defeat, throwing in the towel, backing away from the table, just like they have a thousand times before. It’s like 1998 and 2004 all over again, as they take a big step backwards from a competitive standpoint and deal everybody that isn’t nailed down. They’re leaving you feeling like a fool and a dupe. And now you can’t even break up with them; you are stuck. You have only yourselves to blame. I really wish you’d listened to us when you started this relationship eight years ago and run him off then, but you didn’t. You’ve finally learned, Jeffrey Loria, the pond scum of baseball ownership (itself not a really well-regarded group), will always break your heart and there’s nothing you can do about it.