To Brad Radke! – A 2012 Minnesota Twins Commercial

By The Common Man

The Common Man is very much in a Twinkies kind of mood at the moment, with TwinsFest happening this weekend, and Spring Training getting ever closer.  Plus, Brad Radke promises to be at TwinsFest for the first time (we think) since he retired. 

Radke’s career grows to mythic proportions when TCM and Bill discuss it.  He was a good pitcher for a very long time that suffered through a lot of bad teams to ultimately emerge as the stallwart member of the first competitive Minnesota clubs in the 21st Century.  He took the ball almost every turn, and was the pitching version of running back LeRoy Hoard.  If you needed your starter to go 7 innings and give up 3 runs, to win, Brad Radke would go 7 innings and give up three runs.  If you needed your starter to go 7 innings and give up 1 run to win, Brad Radke would go 7 innings and give up 3 runs.  He became the archetype to which every single Twins pitcher since has been compared and evaluated.  And by the time his career ended in 2006, his shoulder was completely shredded (he had pitched 21 starts through immense pain) and he couldn’t brush his hair anymore without help.

So it’s only fair we commemorate him with his own commercial to celebrate his TwinsFest return, and to celebrate the fact that he could still probably outpitch 3/5 of the Twins rotation.  Here’s The Common Man’s suggestion:

Twins Commercial 2012 – “Brad Radke”
Scene: Exterior, Little League Field

(Zoom in on Carl Pavano, Scott Baker, and Jason Marquis in full uniforms on metal bleachers, eating fried chicken and large goblets of beer.)

Carl Pavano: Brad Radke is a son of a bitch.

Scott Baker: Best damn pitcher in the starting rotation.

Jason Marquis: To Brad Radke!

Everyone: BRAD RADKE!

Pavano: An 8-foot, 2-ton monster who can palm a medicine ball. That’s what he is!

Ben Revere (leaning in from out of frame): Excuse me, a lot of us have come here to watch our children. Will you please just stop drinking and yelling?

Pavano: You got a nice caboose on you, honey.

Revere: You are horrible men, and marginal pitchers at best. Except for you, Scotty.

Baker: You know Bradke went through puberty in one night?

Pavano: That’s right; he howled like a werewolf for 10 hours, and in the morning he had a beard.

Marquis: He sweats Gatorade.

Baker: The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress.

Pavano: He once inhaled a seagull!

Baker: To Brad Radke!

Everyone: BRAD RADKE!

Pavano: Did I ever tell you about the time Bradke bought a pet cobra and walked it through the park on a leash? Bradke would put on a white tie and tails and would walk the cobra through the park on a leash. He named the cobra Beverly and he taught it how to play fetch and dial a phone. But then one day it bit the maid. So with tears in his eyes, Bradke had to shoot the maid.

Baker: Bradke would use his thigh as an anvil!

Marquis: You know, it was the sight of Bradke’s naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane.

Baker: He showers in grain alcohol!

Pavano: He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel!

Baker: He killed Wolfman Jack with a Trident!

Marquis: He drives and ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Pavano: His first name is Brad…. I’m drunk.

Baker: He makes every woman that sleeps with him refer to him as Bear Bryant.

Pavano: He once ate the Bible while water skiing!

Marquis: Did I ever tell you he once had sex with a cigarette machine? And every kid on this field was fathered by Brad Radke!

Pavano: Every one of them!

Francisco Liriano (leans in from out of frame): Amigos, ustedes hablan de Brad Radke?

Marquis: We sure are!

Liriano: Yo conozco Brad Radke!

Pavano: I want to be your dear friend!

Pull back to crane shot of Brad Radke towering over the four pitchers.

Brad Radke: HEY EVERYBODY, THIS GAME IS CALLED ON ACCOUNT OF SCOTCH, BECAUSE BRAD RADKE WANTS A DRINK!

Everyone: BRAD RADKE!

(Note: The preceding is a parody of the Saturday Night Live sketch “Bill Brasky,” starring Jim Breuer Mark McKinney, Will Ferrell, and John Goodman, original video here)

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