It's that most magical time of the year: when you realize that the malls are choked, your checking account is empty, and you have no idea how many people you need to buy gifts for. Instead of stocking up on every chintzy tchotchke available, on the off chance that your next door neighbor has bought you season two of ALF, why not purchase things you know anyone with a pulse will love?
Thanks to the wonders of the internet and overnight delivery, and with me as your Virgil to the world of commerce, you need never worry about holiday shopping again. Let's go onward:
Clothing: Scooby Doo Thong
Every Scooby Doo episode ended with the unmasking of a frightening, hooked-nose criminal. Remove this men's thong and you'll get the same result.
While the thong represents the dream gift for a particular kind of fan, it does make you less likely to ask, "Scooby Doo, where are you?"
Home Decor: Charlie, The Baseball Spider
The life of a baseball fan is often a solitary one, with only Vin Scully and the remnants of Twitter for company as the West Coast games end. Why not give the baseball fan in your life a pleasant companion in the shape of Charlie, The Baseball Spider? He's cute, small, and with eight eyes should have no problem keeping an eye on the television, iPad, and Twitter conversation.
Please note, this is only the pattern to create such a thing and will require some at-home assembly.
Books: Mormons in the Major Leagues
Mitt Romney lost the election, Big Love is off the air, and The Book of Mormon is well beyond your price range, but you can still have a Mormon-related holiday season. At long last, Christmas morning can now be spent reading about the adventures of players like Dane Iorg and Jim Wessinger. Can you feel the excitement?
Movies: Winning Softball with Michael Bolton
If you think it's strange that Michael Bolton once came out with an instructional softball VHS, well, brother, you have never been more wrong. While the biggest hit of Bolton's career was "When a Man Loves a Woman" and his second biggest hit was "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You," the third biggest hit was his game-tying double against Humboldt County in the 1993 playoffs.
Not only does Bolton sport a "Bolton" jersey, but as he says in this video, he loves softball "just about as much" as he loves his music. And buddy, that's a lot of love.
Office Supplies: Baseball Hydraulic Office Massage Chair
You work hard, you deserve to play hard, too. Instead of sitting in the same drab, boring black chairs like everyone else in the office, why not sit in a chair that will leave visitors wondering "Are those baseball stitches?" and "Is your chair made out of human skin?"
It's the winning move in my book.
Yard Supplies: MLB Forest Face
Fairies, or fayeries as they prefer to be called, will often skulk at the edges of the woods, waiting for unsuspecting homeowners to turn their backs before stealing a baby or holiday ham, leaving a changling in its stead. Fight back with the only weapon possible: an MLB forest face. Not only will 'The Little Folk' leave your property alone, they'll also know that you just love that Derek Jeter.
I hope this little guide was a helpful tool, ensuring that your holiday season is a warm and pleasant one. Because I guarantee no one who receives a gift off of this list will respond with anything but extreme gratitude, whether they enjoy baseball or not.