It’s that time of year again. The time of year where my odometer rolls over and I have to get my driver’s license replaced. Yes, it is my 35th birthday on Saturday. Those of you who have yet to get me something will be happy to know that I have, for the fourth year in a row, put together a list of gifts culled from Ebay that you can buy for me and still have time to get it shipped here. If you need the address, let me know.
Anyway, let’s get on with it. Please feel free to send me any one of the following items as recompense for all the joy I have brought to your otherwise meaningless lives:
Gary Sheffield 1989 Topps #343 ($0.75)
We’ll start small. I was going organizing my sets of baseball cards a couple years back and noticed that I couldn’t find my Gary Sheffield rookie card to complete my 1989 Topps. Now, I know it’s somewhere, but frankly I don’t have the time or the energy to sift through them all again. It’s just easier if you send me a replacement. Also, he has braces. BRACES at 19!
Chubby Barry Bonds Bobblehead ($0.99)
Barry has really let himself go, looking like somebody genetically spliced him with the Pillsbury Dough Boy.
“Lifelike” Ichiro Wind-up Toy ($0.99)
If, by “lifelike,” you mean tiny stunted legs and a having a crank sticking out of his side, then ok. My desk at work craves this.
Sold separately, ambulance and bonesaw. After a couple of days, in the interest of realism, I plan to break this figure in half.
A young Cito Gaston, back when he was called Clarence, this coin has everything. Metal. A picture. Probably some monetary value once the shit goes down and we’re reduced to using baseball coins as currency.
Lot of 90 Baseball Sticker Cards ($7.47)
I was just showing Michael Baumann my 1988 Panini sticker book the other day (yes, I kept it. Shut up.), and we noted that I still have some spots missing. You, my friend, can help me complete it 25 years after I started. You’re my only hope to finally know what Teddy Higuera looked like.
I hate this song and so do you. I will smash this record and it will fill us all with a sense of relief.
You’re only overpaying by $9.97, and you get the satisfaction of knowing you’re perpetuating a lie.
Stupid lighters. Don’t you miss matches?
Kirby Puckett, Art Print Photo ($12.95)
Seriously, I would hang this on my wall. No, I don’t want to hear about how he wasn’t actually a nice man. I can’t hear you with my headphones on. La, la, la.
OK, all that stuff is for amateurs. Here is the pricier stuff, for those of you who want to prove your love to me:
1952 Baseball Pinball Machine ($3,500)
I shouldn’t have to explain this to you. Pinball is fun and this is a vintage pinball machine that should go in my basement. You may come over and play as often as you want.
Baseball Chainsaw Art ($4,500)
I’ve wanted these for years, but no one has gotten them for me yet. I can’t buy them for myself, because my wife will make me return them, and also I’m not strong enough to lift them by myself. But if you buy them for me, it would be rude to return them.
Who doesn’t need the wisdom of Branch Rickey in their lives? I need to know what question Rickey is asking when he says “The Cure is Sweat.” I want to know about Pitching Aptitutes and Managerial Stupidity. I want to know how to scout young pitchers. I need to hear about hitting with George Sisler. I’m pretty sure that, after listening to this, I will be fully qualified to be the general manger of your favorite team. So really, ultimately, this is a present to you.
Just last year, this card was being sold for $2,000,000, so it’s practically a steal for $8,500. Jeter is, indeed, “The GREATEST SPORTSMAN in the HISTORY of BASEBALL” and this card is “an Exquisite Luis Diaz Commemoration of Derek Jeter’s Greatness.”
“Masterfully, Luis Diaz captures the depth, the breadth, and the height of what is and has become known to all who have watched Derek Jeter Inhabit the game of his dreams, the heart and soul, the very breath of his concentration level and his pure respect for this game that has been surpassed by no one. He reminds us all of what Sportsmanship is and how it should never be far from us in any walk of life. Both on and off the field, Derek Jeter has led by his natural example. He has gained the respect of the World by walking the walk, not just talking the talk. Derek Jeter, Shortstop, Captain of the New York Yankees, Man of Our Times, will some day pass from being an active player and go by way of his many celebrated predecessors into the Halls of not only Cooperstown, but forever into the Halls of hearts and minds of endearing fans. But Derek Jeter's Legacy may not be fully recognized by all immediately. As the years pass, and as the chronicles of baseball live on to experience more change, witness more greatness, whole glimpses of what Derek Jeter has meant to baseball and what he achieved in life will come to light gradually, most significantly, and lastingly.. “
Vintage Baseball Bat Bar (~$20,000)
After several weekends of cleaning, my basement is almost ready for this. Please. Please buy this for me. I will throw a party and you will be the guest of honor and we will christen the new Bates Basement Baseball Bar.
Baseball at Home, The best ever baseball gameboard ($1,200,000)
Carved out of ironwood. I have no idea how to play it or if it’s any good. For that much money, and for the only copy of the game in existence, I’m pretty curious though.
You have four more shopping days until my birthday, but feel free to send a gift late, if you can’t make it in time. And I’m going to love whatever you give me. I might just like some other gifts, and thus other people, more. So please, let me know how much I mean to you and shower me with gifts.
Happy birthday to me!