Cal Eldred: Baseball’s Superman

There are people out there that don't believe in Superman. They think he's a myth, a power fantasy, a parable for outsiders or those who wish to do good. I pity them.

Because Superman is most definitely real, soaring above us and keeping us safe. i mean, sure, he's not working at The Daily Planet (because the newspaper industry is dead), and he's not married to a woman named Lois. Those are all fictions created by the government to throw the general public off his scent. Rather, he's been hiding in plain sight this whole time, under the guise of former ballplayer Cal Eldred.

(original card via SABR)

You want proof, you ask? Okay, consider this:

1. Cal Eldred was born outside Cedar Rapids, Iowa, in a town named Urbana, earning the nickname "Corn Field" because of his rural roots. That doesn't sound much different from a town called Smallville, does it?

2. Cal Eldred's Baseball-Reference page lists him as 6'4", 215 lbs. Superman is 6'3", 225 lbs. And that one inch difference can probably be attributed to how Jose Altuve was supposedly 5'7" for a time.

3. Eldred's 1990 scouting report says, "God CB." Now, you could think the scout meant "Good curveball" or perhaps it's to suggest that Eldred has god-like powers and he appeared from the CornBelt. We'll never know for certain.

4. A cursory Google search didn't turn up a birth certificate or any news at the hospital on the day Eldred was born. Gee, you don't think that maybe a rocketship from a dead planet transported him to Urbana, do you?

5. His name is Cal Eldred. Go on, sound it out. Cal Eldred. Cal El. Superman's Kryptonian name is Kal-El. Did Eldred really think we wouldn't notice, that we were that dense?

Now, you might look to me and say, "But what about Eldred's below average seasons? His many injuries and missed time? That doesn't seem very much like a Superman to me." I'll break it down for you:

– Eldred dominated through his first 374 innings, posting a 3.44 ERA, because he was unaware of how to control his strength and not overpower the competition. The rest of his career numbers (4.79 ERA in 993 innings) took a dip because he was purposefully failing so that Earth mortals could hit the ball.

– At times, Eldred needed to join the rest of the Justice League and fight space aliens. He would also occassionally sustain minor injuries that would kill a normal man, so the fact that he only needed a Tommy John surgery is a testament to his strength. 

If this isn't enough to convince you, then nothing will and you'll continue on in your life, your head in the sand, refusing to believe that Cal Eldred has superpowers or that the US government has a special mind control department in the Pentagon. And I'll feel sorry for you. Because you are living a lie.