As you may have heard, David Ortiz, the slugging designated hitter and all around lovable guy, came in third in the recent Boston mayoral race. The transcript of his concession speech, given at a Jerry Remy's Bar and Grill at 1:30 am, has finally been released and is available below:
People of Boston, gathered countrymen, and f***in' rad bros,
I have some sad news for you tonight. Our race to the, umm, Mayoral House (is that what's it's called? Does he have like a White House or something? A Waffle House? No? Okay), has failed. Now, don't be too upset. We fought a good, clean fight. We didn't sling mud or go negative, in the process showing the city of Boston that there is a legitimate third party candidate, one that can sock dingers and have a damn good time. We did win the World Series though, so that's awesome! Mayor Menino never did that! [massive cheering. David Ortiz chugs an entire beer.]
First, I would like to congratulate Marty Walsh. He's a good man and a Red Sox fan. I have no beef with him. But next time, Marty, next time I'm gonna sock you square in the face.
And a big thanks to the Red Sox for letting me use my the innings when the rest of the guys were in the field to work on my platform, plan my strategy, and rehearse my speeches with bench coach Torey Lovullo. I mean, you didn't think I was spending all that time in the batting cages working on my swing, right? You can't do that for more than, like, five minutes.
I would never have been here today if not for Dustin Pedroia telling me to follow my dreams, Jonny Gomes hosting mock debates with me every Friday night, and Jon Lester for hanging campaign posters all over this great city.
I also want to thank my campaign manager, Tommy "Blue Balls" Monaghan. How about a big round of applause for this guy? He's the one that told me running on a "No Taxes for People Who Earn More Than $1 Million Dollars," was a bad idea. Thanks, Tommy! Who 'da thunk?
Finally, I want to thank you, the people of Boston, for standing behind me all this time, propelling me forward. I'm a big guy, and I hate running, so the idea of running for office sounded terrible! [laughter]. You gave me the energy, drive, and passion to get out of bed every day. For some people, playing professional baseball is the dream. For me, pursuing civil service is the greatest thing I could ever achieve.
You all believed in me as I swung for the fences, like my proposed legislation calling for No Day Games after Night Games, Hamburger Pizza Is a Healthy Breakfast, and Baseball Pants Should Be Made of Stretchy Fabric. You stood by me as we looked to the future, looking to outlaw curveballs, move in the fences, and rein in unnecessary government spending.
I know my commitment to the Boston Red Sox made it difficult for me to campaign, and perhaps if we didn't win the World Series, I would have had more time in October to go door to door selling people on my five point healthcare referendum, making up the difference between me and Mr. Walsh. Maybe if I didn't have to beat the St. Louis Cardinals in a game of baesball, I could have sold more voters on my education plan. But at the same time, did you see all those home runs I hit? They were f***in' awesome! You can't make a better campaign video than that. [raucous cheering.]
This may be the drink talking, but and I want you to know that I love you. All of you. Seeing your bright eyes and bushy tails, I know that Boston has a bright future.
We came out swingin' for the fences, and we came up a little short. That's okay, that happens. But I promise you this, next election year, we're gonna get in the cages early, take our hacks, lift a few more weights, and lift that ball into the crowd. Big Papi will be RULE BOSTON! DAVID ORTIZ WILL SINGLE-HANDEDLY DEFEND THE CITY OF BOSTON FROM EVIL DOERS WITH HIS MEATY FISTS! BIG PAPI WILL DIG UP THE BONES OF PAUL REVERE AND EAT DEEP OF ITS MARROW.
Now let's get drunk! [Insane cheering, thousands of beers are chugged]