Have No Fear, Mets Fans, Matt Harvey Is Actually A Robot

Mets fans are generally an unhappy, anxious people. Which makes sense. They've been conditioned to feel that way, what with Steve Phillips, Ponzi schemes, and well, Matt Harvey's elbow.

For now, though, things seemed okay. Harvey, the lover of parties and owner of a 48-hour rule, was going to try and rehab his elbow, hoping to avoid surgery and a year on the shelf. Which, sadly, usually means "surgery delayed." However, there is no reason for Mets fans to worry now because the transformation is complete, Matt Harvey is now made of 80% inorganic material. He is, essentially, a robot. Or cyborg, if you want to get all technical about it. 

But there's plenty of reason to be concerned if you're a non-cyborg human being. 

Where's my evidence, you ask? That to make such an outrageous claim I would need some facts. Fine, Mr. Lawyer, just take a look at his appearance on the Dan Patrick Show this morning.

Watch in horror as Mr. Harvey continues sidestepping the question of his elbow injury (because there isn't one!), instead, repeating that he's there to talk about Qualcomm and all the great things you can do with Qualcomm. Like fancasting. And tweeting. And building an army of unstoppable automatons.

You see, a normal human would go on the show, talk a little about his injury, and then get into his contractually obligated Qualcomm pitch. But a robot, especially a relatively new one like Harvey, can't read the usual social cues that other humans give off. His system isn't advanced enough, the coding too error prone.

Instead, thanks to a faulty work of his programmers, Harvey spun out of control and continued to try and pitch Qualcomm and their amazing technology, like a record with a skip in it. Or Dennis Nedry's screen saver in Jurassic Park.  

Sadly, because of the cover-up, Harvey couldn't say "Qualcomm, leader in technological goods, not only created the term fancasting, but they also are at the forefront of the creation of surprisingly life-like human drones, of which I am one. " Now that may have grabbed Dan Patrick's attention.

But did you know that this is only the final stage in a season long process put forth by Sandy Alderson and the Techno-Wizards at Qualcomm? It's true. The Mets long ago saw the writing on the wall, that a young pitcher can simply not strike out that many batters with a high-90s fastball without an eventual injury.

And so Mets officials, scientists, and futurists approached the pitcher in early May and talked him into "upgrading" his body with cybernetics. In his first game, on May 7th, since getting his enhancements, Matt Harvey threw a complete game one-hitter against the Chicago White Sox, striking out twelve.

But his body rebelled, pushing back against the silicon chips and electrodes whirring in his body, resulting in this:

The science team considered this possiblity. But rather than taking out the technology, they doubled down, stuffing his body with every piece of futuristic, dark tech Qualcomm had on hand. The Mets performed surgery on Harvey long through the night, but the rumors quickly started. Word was getting out that the Mets and Qualcomm were playing God with their top prospect. 

Which is why Matt Harvey posed nearly nude in ESPN Magazine. The plan was to fool the American people. "Just look at how attractive Matt Harvey is! Look how completely real and totally made of 100% human flesh he is," they wanted us to shout. 

But with some simple photo enhancements, this is what we see:


That's right, not only a complete robotic skeleton, but enhancements in his eye, heart, and elbow. However, as the season progressed, the robotic enhancements started wearing out, the team having not thoroughly tested the equipment before installing it in Harvey's body. Hence the the 13 hits and only four strikeouts in his final start of the season against the Detroit Tigers on August 24th. It's the kind of thing that happens when we're at the bleeding age of the future.

With risk of his body completely failing, sputtering oil all over the field, the Mets concocted an entirely fake elbow injury and shut Harvey down for the season, leading him to choose "rehab" over "surgery." Instead, Qualcomm will simply be upgrading his body tech in time for April of next year, loading him with all kinds of ehhancements, promising the Mets a pitcher that can throw 1,000 innings, strike out 4 men per inning (his fastball will be so fast that catchers will be unable to catch it), and never surrender a hit. They also say he'll be able to make Instagram posts on the mound, really jacking his social media strat. 

However, as humans, humans that desire a place in this world without cybernetically enhanced bodies that do everything for us, we have to fight back. We must lobby Bud Selig to put together a focus group that will consider, over the next three to four years, changing the MLB rule book, outlawing humans with more than 20% robotic enhancements. Otherwise we'll soon wake up in a world that looks an awful lot like Will Smith's Wild Wild West. And that movie was terrible.