Mankind Gets Small Taste of Dystopian Future On Mariano Rivera Bobblehead Night

(Photo by@IamMapes)

It's not a matter of if, but when. There will come a day, a day like any other, when the society you know, the civilization that has been going strong for thousands of years, grinds to a halt. It could be peak oil, it could be food shortages, or, as the Yankees showed us last night, it could be a lack of promotional bobbleheads. 

And on that day, there will be madness. Gangs and warlords will rule the land and he/she with the largest, most bodacious shoulderpads shall be named king.

But last night…I shudder at the memory, last night we saw a brief glimpse of that world. Because at Yankee Stadium, as thousands arrived expecting the ceramic mold of their baseball lord, the Yankees didn't have Mariano Rivera bobbleheads. We reached peak bobblehead. 

When fans arrived at the park, the bobbleheads were not there. The Establishment claimed that there were train problems. And hydraulic pump issues. And that the Lindbergh baby case was causing a traffic jam. Like those with their eyes open to Truth would believe that. No, the more likely explanation was that the Societal Elite were stockpiling them in the back, preparing to profit on the war about to break out. 

(Photo by @AmazingJr87)

Here is amazing, actual motion footage that was captured on site: 

The gates to the stadium were closed. No one was to be granted entry until the bobbleheads arrived. The poor, huddled masses simply had to gather around Yankee Stadium, chanting and clamoring for some justice in a world that already has too little. Would they ever be gifted their bobblehead and let into the stadium? Or would the bobbleheads only be given to the strongest, those who could win the knife fights and pledge their lives to the protection of the Elite in the New World Order?

Naturally, the price on the black market skyrocketed, just as the price for a head of lettuce will soon require a kidney or liver. The average bobblehead is now trading for around $140 on eBay

As the time grew later, the crowd grew restless. Rows and rows of packed humanity were feeding on each other, society at the point of collapse. President Obama was consulted, nuclear options were discussed. The National Guard was ready to cordon off the area and claim it lost forever. It was to be The Badlands That Ruth Built. 

Fortunately, just in time, just as the bloodthirsty marauders were about to tear through the gates and begin snapping each other's necks, the bobbleheads arrived. The people were sated, their bloodlust reduced to a simmer. The rich and powerful were gifted with the bobbling heads from Yankee executives while they sat in their Legends Suite seats

But heed this warning, fellow reader: this was just a taste, a sample. For one day, a mere bobblehead will not satisfy the hungry mobs. With the population continuing to boom, it will be impossible for bobbleheads to keep up with consumption.

If I were you, I'd start stockpiling MLB giveaways now, because the day is soon coming when they'll be worth more than your child's life. And you'll have some decisions to make.